I am a vast array of contradictions

I am easily amused. It doesn't take much to entertain me. I get excited by new shopping purchases. My most recent purchases (and thus my newest joy inducing toys):

Beefy new tires for my truck.

Cute little reindeer antlers for Lolo to wear when she sits on Santa's lap for her Christmas photo. (Shut it Barbie. Right now, before you even start)

Two new pairs of Adidas I got while Black Friday shopping with Lil Bro.

The awesome new recumbent exercise bike that is waiting to be assembled in my living room.

And the new makeup I ordered from Avon, upon finding the catalog on my mother's kitchen counter.

Which brings me to the real point of this post. I ordered two mascaras, one eye liner, and some mixed thing of eye shadow. I may not know much about makeup, but I do like to play. And part of that playing is my late night dressup/hairstyling/makeup experimentation. I believe Diablo Cody said it best (via Juno McGuff), "There's nothin' like experimentin,'" right kids?

This Avon order was delivered to me a few days ago, but because I was deathly ill all weekend, I have just now remembered it and decided to bring it out to play. I'll admit that Avon has a bit of a tough sell headed its way in convincing me to be a fan, since I'm completely in love with Urban Decay's mascara and eye liner, but I am completely willing to try new things. Once or twice.

I'll admit to having an oddly curious fascination with Avon, my grandmother sold it all of my life. The siblings and I were always so excited to go to Grandma B's and see what new things she had. So when I saw that Avon catalog sitting on my Mother's counter, I couldn't help but open it up to see what was inside. Being new to the world of makeup, I figured it would be almost irresponsible of me to pass up a sale and with it the cheapened opportunity to explore a new brand.

First on the play list was AVON's Daring Definition Mousse Mascara. Old school style brush/wand. Black color. Nothing remarkable. It didn't cause any clumping, but that may be because it's a new bottle. It reminded me a bit of Maybelline's Stiletto Mascara, if Stiletto didn't cause wicked clumping. Downside, it does absolutely nothing for curl. At least Stiletto gave my lashes a bit of a curl. I'm beginning to see the point of lash curlers.

Let's take a little detour for a moment here. Do you remember back in '03, when AVON started that marketing campaign where they tried to rename their makeup line Mark? In an effort to attract the under 60 crowd, they went on and on about how you needed to "Meet Mark," with all of their glamorous models walking around asking each other "Have you met Mark?" Cheesy as hell, but apparently it worked, since the Mark line is still around.

Next in the rotation was Feeling Fine Ultra Thin Eye Liner. I was pretty excited about this because I love eye liner. The right eye liner can work miracles. An ultra thin eye liner has potential. Off comes the cap, and I see that there is some sort of inner cap still stuck on. I put the cap back on and pull it off a few times, trying to dislodge it. No love. Since my grip is weaker than a limp fish's (Thank you Fibro), I bite the inner lid and try to pull it off. Then I realize that perhaps it's not meant to come off. Instead it twist it left and right until I see that it works like lipstick, except there seems to be no going back once you've gotten it out of the tube. Odd, but I'll go with it. Looking at the eye liner in disbelief I catch myself off guard when I say aloud, "You were in my mouth." And then I giggle, because Lolo has just looked at me as if I'm slightly dense. Undeterred, I start on my top right lid, and the tip breaks off. Now that I know how this little beast works, I twist it and return to my top right lid. Again the tip breaks off. Hmmmm. Apparently it's a bit of a science to get enough out to use without breaking off the tip. I twist just a tiny bit and decide to attempt the lower right lid instead. After stabbing myself in the eye twice, I manage manage to get the job done. I twist out a little more of the (stick/pencil/stuff) and go back to the upper lid. And the tip breaks off. Three Strikes and you're a failure.


Dear "Mark,"

What the hell man? How about some effing instructions?

You're done,
California Kay

This one's for Cheese (Hi Cheese!)

For those of you who are unaware, Inner Voices and his girl Special Cheese (not to be confused with gov'ment cheese) are the shiz. I love them to death. Cheese's questionable taste in beer (Kokanee is the only beer that should be consumed, ever) can be overlooked by her general awesomeness. Make no mistake, she's no me. But I have high hopes that someday her level of awesomeness might grow to something close to mine...

So Inner Voices and Special Cheese called me up the other day. My head was all afuzz with painkiller nonsense, and they might have had a brew or two, so can any of us be trusted to accurately recall what was said? Probably not. Oh wait, except for me, because I'm badass. So Inner Voices first off calls and is all talkin bout some voice mail, and I was sooooo confused (since I hadn't listened to it). It goes a little something like this "Hi, this is Richard, calling from the port authority down at the naval yard, calling to make sure that all your ports are.... uh... taken care of, and you know, all unported..." and then you can hear cheese in the background, and I want you to know right now that I love these two fools. That was the first time I listened to that voicemail, and you KNOW I saved that bitch. Seriously, seriously. Hands-down, best drunk-dial I have ever received.

Cheese, you were in no way an asshole. I laughed at your good luck, no one rocks at talking to strangers, and I realize my awesomeness can overwhelm at times. Just wait till you kids come kick it in person, you'll be speechless in your awe of me. (What's that? ...No... I'm not cocky. Nooooo. You must have the wrong person.)


Seriously with the port jokes kids? Nasty. My port did not make any sounds or anything. It was under my skin. All you could see was a scar, but you could feel the port under my skin. When the nurses went to do the chemo or blood work, they had to grab the port under my skin and hold it while they hooked me up to the IV. A rather squeamish feeling.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

I have hair! I have enough hair that as of two days ago my hair can get messy. Look at that luscious luscious bedhead! And my eyebrows! I have my eyebrows back. I've let one of my friends convince me that I should leave the eyebrows alone till they're completely back, which is why I look like a wilderbeast.

This is what radiation did to my awesome hair. I quit shaving my head the first day of radiation, and hair started growing all over, but then cuz they were radiating my head, it caused hair loss and a sunburn effect on the one spot they zapped my brain. I can feel a little bit of fuzzy startin to grow on the spot now, but I wish it'd hurry up...

There is an awesome little tea place in Roseville that has wicked chai. And the name of the place just happens to crack me up.

"You are the cheese to my mac." A little shout out to Juno, the awesomest movie ever. If you haven't seen it yet, WTF are you waiting for fools? Diablo Cody (coolest fuckin chick ever, after me of course) won a fucking Oscar for the pure awesomeness displayed in that movie. Seriously? What more do you need?

I'm doggysitting for my next door neighbors, and one of the three dogs is the cutest little bug bug ever. I'm seriously considering stealing her...

And that's a wrap people, much love.