This one's for Cheese (Hi Cheese!)

For those of you who are unaware, Inner Voices and his girl Special Cheese (not to be confused with gov'ment cheese) are the shiz. I love them to death. Cheese's questionable taste in beer (Kokanee is the only beer that should be consumed, ever) can be overlooked by her general awesomeness. Make no mistake, she's no me. But I have high hopes that someday her level of awesomeness might grow to something close to mine...

So Inner Voices and Special Cheese called me up the other day. My head was all afuzz with painkiller nonsense, and they might have had a brew or two, so can any of us be trusted to accurately recall what was said? Probably not. Oh wait, except for me, because I'm badass. So Inner Voices first off calls and is all talkin bout some voice mail, and I was sooooo confused (since I hadn't listened to it). It goes a little something like this "Hi, this is Richard, calling from the port authority down at the naval yard, calling to make sure that all your ports are.... uh... taken care of, and you know, all unported..." and then you can hear cheese in the background, and I want you to know right now that I love these two fools. That was the first time I listened to that voicemail, and you KNOW I saved that bitch. Seriously, seriously. Hands-down, best drunk-dial I have ever received.

Cheese, you were in no way an asshole. I laughed at your good luck, no one rocks at talking to strangers, and I realize my awesomeness can overwhelm at times. Just wait till you kids come kick it in person, you'll be speechless in your awe of me. (What's that? ...No... I'm not cocky. Nooooo. You must have the wrong person.)


Seriously with the port jokes kids? Nasty. My port did not make any sounds or anything. It was under my skin. All you could see was a scar, but you could feel the port under my skin. When the nurses went to do the chemo or blood work, they had to grab the port under my skin and hold it while they hooked me up to the IV. A rather squeamish feeling.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

I have hair! I have enough hair that as of two days ago my hair can get messy. Look at that luscious luscious bedhead! And my eyebrows! I have my eyebrows back. I've let one of my friends convince me that I should leave the eyebrows alone till they're completely back, which is why I look like a wilderbeast.

This is what radiation did to my awesome hair. I quit shaving my head the first day of radiation, and hair started growing all over, but then cuz they were radiating my head, it caused hair loss and a sunburn effect on the one spot they zapped my brain. I can feel a little bit of fuzzy startin to grow on the spot now, but I wish it'd hurry up...

There is an awesome little tea place in Roseville that has wicked chai. And the name of the place just happens to crack me up.

"You are the cheese to my mac." A little shout out to Juno, the awesomest movie ever. If you haven't seen it yet, WTF are you waiting for fools? Diablo Cody (coolest fuckin chick ever, after me of course) won a fucking Oscar for the pure awesomeness displayed in that movie. Seriously? What more do you need?

I'm doggysitting for my next door neighbors, and one of the three dogs is the cutest little bug bug ever. I'm seriously considering stealing her...

And that's a wrap people, much love.

Your Mom reads this blog

I'm dying. In my throat. It's fucked-up-throat-itis. Very contagious. Watch out. Coming soon to a theater near you.

On the drive home from my Chemo-Doc today (had to get my blood checked, my port flushed, and just check in with her), I was suddenly hit by a fucked up feeling in the right side of my throat. Which is an area they're radiating every day...And it spread up to right under my ear like the I'm-about-to-get-a-fucked-up-ear-infection feeling. Just a minute ago my eyes got that itchy-burny feeling and I had to take the contacts out. Not sure if the radiation's fucking me up, or it's just a normal sickness.

I finally put on my big girl pants and had some of the Aloe Vera Juice I was supposed to be drinking this whole time. It tastes like NotTheLord, and burns when I swallow it. Fuck-tastic! Then my stomach started being nasty at me.

I bet you're thinking this day is pretty shitty eh? To top all that off, I got a lovely speeding ticket and an ass-chewing by a copper on the way to my doc's office this morning. I'll take the ticket douche muffin, you don't have to make me feel like an idiot too. WhatTheFuckEver.

I thought Guitar Hero was the hotness. Then I got Rock Band. HolyFuckingShit. Sweet action my friends. Sweet, sweet action.

I'm done with today, I'm ready for tomorrow.

Much love.

Re: The comments
Cher-You're on crack, but I love you.
IV-No full-frontal love. For anyone. Ever. How big is this box you speak of? 12 pack? 6?
Sushi-Suicide Girl? (Upon consulting the mighty Google): What the hell? Is it porn? Is it goth-ish girls gone wild? Some of them scare me.
BBC-I laughed. Thankfully, my head's really all that has hair showing back up at this point, so yeah...
IV-That's definitely a possibility.
TheTroll-That's so sweet. You must not visit often enough to know the truth.

Ooh, I just remembered, I get my port out monday! There's the rainbow at the end of the backed-up plumbing shitfest. (True Story. "The Shit" backed up into my bathtub. Yesterday. A plumber was called. I bleached the fuck out of my tub. We're all golden again. I'm gonna go get a popsicle and crash on the couch now.)

Next!

Let's put that little post behind us and move onto happier things.

My hair, while growing back, is not thick. If it weren't for my daily microwave sessions (radiation) I'd be shaving that bitch.

I'm not a fan of hospital gowns. I "get" to wear one every day for radiation.

I've been kicking it with one of my friends (I'll think of a good name for her soon, I swear) almost every day for over a week. And I still full-on love her. Awesome much? I think so.

I need to get to radiation, so I'm going to say I'll be back, and you're going to pretend to believe me.

Much love.

Yeah, Yeah, Your mom.

Yesterday would have been Chemo Day, but it wasn't cuz I'm done bitches! That's so fucking awesome I can't even explain. Eat it Kanser! Eat it and like it.

Went to my Radiation doc on Tuesday, got a new CT scan and my sweet new tattoos. They're just 3 little black dots, they look like retarded freckles. One on each side, and on in the middle of my chest, just under where a bra strap sits.

I go back in on the 15th and should find out the results of the CT scan then, and I believe that's also day one of radiation.

Since we last conversed, I've beat Guitar Hero 3 on Easy and Medium. I'm not so sure about tackeling Hard. That's when you have to start using the 5th button, and my fingers can't reach it. I think the Guitars were built for man-hands, which I don't have.

Yesterday I recieved the most awesome thing ever in the mail. My Ebay'd N64 007 Goldeneye arrived on my doorstep. And it's just as awesome as I remembered. The N64 is the shiznit. Don't believe me? Ask your mom. She knows... Believe.