The Window Is Open

It was the window.

Every month, it was was the window.

It came as regularly as the full moon. There before you knew it, fading away before you could fully grasp its presence.

It had been open for one day and she sat on the floor of the kitchen, curled up in the corner, utterly broken.

There was so much pain every time the window opened. Emotional. Physical. Pain that soaked into the marrow of every bone and filled her soul.

So much pain and guilt and shame and regret. So much reflecting over all the wrong decisions.

Weren't they all wrong decisions, in some way? Otherwise why would the window have opened, why would it torture her, month after month?

She sat, broken in the corner. Was she too weak mentally? Physically? She should be able to get up and close the window. It was just a window.

She didn't move from her corner.

The window would remain open for another day. Two if she had been particularly bad.

Obviously she had been bad, in this life or another. It had to be karma. What other explanation could there be?

She cried out to a god she wasn't even sure existed. Once she had been certain. Not anymore.

Slowly the pain would ebb. Just a bit. Just enough for her to crawl out of the kitchen, away from the window.

It was still open. There was no way she could shut it, not right now. It would remain open for another day, at least. But right now she could crawl away, a little bit further away.

Some days there is so much pain and hurt and anger and just fucking hopelessness that I don't think I'll ever be human again.

Every hero needs a nemesis

Dearest Body of mine,

We have not always been on the best of terms, you and I, but lately I have come to see that we are not working together towards a common goal. In fact, I think you try your damnedest to keep me from reaching my goals. You, Sir, must be my nemesis.

You are quite devious my dear Body, but you will not prevail. If Pain is your side-kick, then the Pain Killer is mine. Well done on your overnight campaign to attack my ear. I must admit, I did not see that one coming. But you are destined to lose, for I am stubborn.

I concede this morning's battle to you. You are the victor. But take heed Sir, I will win this war of wills, and you will be the one left broken on the floor, crying out for mercy.

Cheers,
CaliforniaKay

Pain pain, go away, come again another day

So much pain
It will go away, stay strong.
Pain
Block it out, shift your focus.
Pain
Slide into a tub of scalding water, control the pain.
Pain?
Burn the top layer of skin from your body, soak away the pain.
Pain
Sleep, where are you?
Pain
I need you sleep, hold me, wrap me in your cold embrace.
Pain
I want to drift into my dreamless sleep, escape the pain.
Pain.

Pain

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Trite, yes, but is it valid?

I have fibromyalgia. I'm sure you've seen the commercials advertising all the latest miracle drugs. Maybe they work for some people, but I've never found a pill that worked for me for longer than a month. And because these "miracle pills" come with side effects that are sometimes nastier than the original symptoms, I have become anti-pill, out of principle.

Fibromyalgia is defined as a condition characterized by chronic, widespread pain of the muscles, joints, tendons, and other soft tissues. No one has any idea what causes it, nor how to cure it. Some call it an autoimmune disorder. Some call it a neurological disorder. Others say it is a rheumatological disorder.

I call it one of those things that helps you see what's really important to you. You don't know pain until you've spent a weekend lying in bed, calling everyone you know just to listen to someone talk, hoping it will take your mind off the pain. You don't know pain unless you've spent hours in a bath as hot as you can bear, trying to get the heat to soak away the pain, only to have it return as soon as the water turns cold. I have been in more pain that I thought I could bear, but bear it I did. I know that no matter how bad it is, eventually the pain will ebb. No matter what I may feel currently, everything is temporary. So I try to enjoy the good, and ride out the bad.

So many people tell me I have "such a great attitude." But what other option is there? Despite the things life has thrown at me, I do enjoy my life. I have spent much time alone with myself through all of my trials. Why would I want to be around a sad, depressed person? I try to always look for the positive, for the little things that make me happy. At the end of the day, it's all about what makes you happy. I make me laugh and I genuinely enjoy my own company. I feel the following sums up my outlook rather well (which is probably why I chose to get it commemorated forever down my side):

"I don't ever want to forget my past. Anything I have ever done was because it made me happy, and you can't regret anything that once made you happy."

What the future may bring, I don't know. I know I can get through anything. I refuse to let the insignificant weigh me down. I choose to surround myself with positive people who I respect and admire, and have little tolerance for people who don't bring positive things to the table.

I feel I am stronger for all of my pain. My pain reminds me that I am human. I do not fear it, I see it as a reminder of the good times that I will have again, because nothing is permanent.