What's My Body Trying to Pull?

Song mood: Ellie Goulding-I'll Hold My Breath
(If you like it you should check out her whole Bright Lights CD):
I consider myself a pretty positive, happy, up-beat person. I can find the good in pretty much any situation. So when I find myself angry for no reason it tends to throw me. I usually retreat (or go into "Hermit Mode") until I can figure out what's going on and try to fix it.

I don't like angry or violent people. They scare me a bit and I choose not to be around them. I don't tolerate yelling well either. The couple-friends that I drink wine with around the bonfire from time to time? I choose to never drink enough that I cannot safely drive home because the male half tends to get a little angry when he's had too much. He starts yelling about frivolous things and wants to pick fights with the neighbors. That's when I go home.

I found myself inexplicably angry for the last two days, wanting to tear into everyone for any reason. That's not me. I don't know what triggered it, but it was followed by an inability to stop sleeping yesterday (I'm normally quite happily a 3-5 hour sleeper when not sick). Followed by an inability to sleep last night. I've been up for 22 hours and show no signs of tiring. I'm freezing and have been for the past couple of days, but I'm happy and awake. *shrug* I can deal with that.

I'm now exactly two weeks into my new med, but it's a med I've been on for extended periods before. It's basically a supplement and shouldn't have any side effects. But when I'm on pills of any kind, November 2010's little ER visit is never far from my mind and I am trying to keep a cautious eye on all my symptoms and moods. I'm pretty happy, optimistic even, and not as stressed as I was in the week leading up to the Shingles outbreak, yet here we are... I don't really know what's going on or what to expect, but I'm putting this out there so you're aware of what's going on in my world.

I start weekly acupuncture tomorrow, *fingers crossed* that it helps. We are in NorCal's rainy season, so my Fibro's trying to be a jerk, but the pills seem to help. I'm supposed to take 6 a day (2 at a time, three times a day unless I flare, at which time I'm to take 1 less pill. Confusing, right?) I'm also supposed to cut carbs, which frankly sucks. But I'm attempting to keep an open mind and am willing to try anything once or twice. Well, except Celexa (Citalopram). Fuck Celexa.

I love you dearly and wouldn't be where I am today without you. Yes, you. Thank you. I need you in my world, so no disappearing k? Bear with me.

Pain

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Trite, yes, but is it valid?

I have fibromyalgia. I'm sure you've seen the commercials advertising all the latest miracle drugs. Maybe they work for some people, but I've never found a pill that worked for me for longer than a month. And because these "miracle pills" come with side effects that are sometimes nastier than the original symptoms, I have become anti-pill, out of principle.

Fibromyalgia is defined as a condition characterized by chronic, widespread pain of the muscles, joints, tendons, and other soft tissues. No one has any idea what causes it, nor how to cure it. Some call it an autoimmune disorder. Some call it a neurological disorder. Others say it is a rheumatological disorder.

I call it one of those things that helps you see what's really important to you. You don't know pain until you've spent a weekend lying in bed, calling everyone you know just to listen to someone talk, hoping it will take your mind off the pain. You don't know pain unless you've spent hours in a bath as hot as you can bear, trying to get the heat to soak away the pain, only to have it return as soon as the water turns cold. I have been in more pain that I thought I could bear, but bear it I did. I know that no matter how bad it is, eventually the pain will ebb. No matter what I may feel currently, everything is temporary. So I try to enjoy the good, and ride out the bad.

So many people tell me I have "such a great attitude." But what other option is there? Despite the things life has thrown at me, I do enjoy my life. I have spent much time alone with myself through all of my trials. Why would I want to be around a sad, depressed person? I try to always look for the positive, for the little things that make me happy. At the end of the day, it's all about what makes you happy. I make me laugh and I genuinely enjoy my own company. I feel the following sums up my outlook rather well (which is probably why I chose to get it commemorated forever down my side):

"I don't ever want to forget my past. Anything I have ever done was because it made me happy, and you can't regret anything that once made you happy."

What the future may bring, I don't know. I know I can get through anything. I refuse to let the insignificant weigh me down. I choose to surround myself with positive people who I respect and admire, and have little tolerance for people who don't bring positive things to the table.

I feel I am stronger for all of my pain. My pain reminds me that I am human. I do not fear it, I see it as a reminder of the good times that I will have again, because nothing is permanent.