It's 2AM and of course I can't sleep

I've missed this place. I've missed you people. I've missed writing. I'm finding my English 101 class and professor to be very inspiring; they are presenting a challenge that I'm quite enjoying.

I have decided to post my essays here. The first was a photo narrative essay. The assignment was to write about a picture that held some significance to us. Enjoy:


Thank You For Your Eighties

30 minutes to show time, there are at least 100 people in the sectioned off side entrance of the San Francisco Borders. Not a bad turnout for a Wednesday night. The crowd is mostly women, a few husbands or boyfriends have been drug along for the event. Their ages span a wide range, 20 somethings impatiently browsing the nearby racks of books in their boredom. The 30 somethings are jockeying for the best position to see the stage while staying clear of the aisles as instructed. The 40 and up crowd obviously showed up early and have control of the metal folding chairs situated in front of the stage. Everyone receives a wristband as they arrive, a pecking order is established by the color we are assigned. Those in the folding chair crowd are showing off their yellow bands that let everyone know they got here first. My purple wristband doesn’t let me get anywhere near the seating, but I’m closer to the stage than the red or green crowd.

This night really began weeks ago, when I saw that brief announcement on Twitter. Jen Lancaster was about to embark on an eighties themed book signing, and one of the first stops was San Francisco. Jen Lancaster. The woman who taught us to never dress to impress with pearls and your Prada bag when going to the unemployment office. The woman who selflessly shared the valuable lesson that Ambien plus wine equals a truckload of new furniture from PotteryBarn.com. The woman who writes nasty letters to her trashy neighbors from a made-up homeowners association. There was no way I was going to miss this.

I had to find the perfect outfit. It became a mission. I tore through my closet looking for any possible leads. I had some super faded button-fly Levis I stole from my brother that had probably seen the eighties, and a pair of Converse All-Stars, but that was about it. I hit the malls like a washed up one hit wonder hits VH1. Luckily the Sacramento malls were going through some horrible eighties flashback. I found an obnoxiously bright DC shirt that I didn’t mind being seen in public in at PacSun. Anchor Blue had a dazzling array of tank tops where I found one that matched my new shirt. Some random mall kiosk offered up the perfect accessory-large pink stunner shades that were so bad I almost liked them.

The only foreseeable problem was my hair. It’s just not long enough to turn into big eighties hair. I could always try a wig, but those things have freaked me out since I watched Hocus Pocus with my aunt when I was young. I spent countless hours in the bathroom playing with different hairstyles in the mirror. The day of the meet-and-greet my hair was most uncooperative, and I ended up throwing on a hat as I ran out the door.

Because I am a huge tool, I pre-ordered Jen’s new book via Amazon weeks earlier. By the time of the book signing I had already read it. Twice. But waiting in that room with all those other fans, I was still eager to hear Jen read an excerpt from the book to us. Jen’s tour assistant (who was pretty impressive dressed in a leotard, tights, leg warmers, and a side-pony) was reading a Would You Rather book to the audience to warm up the crowd.

Seven o’clock rolls around and the crowd grows quieter. There has been no indication that Jen’s even here yet, but it’s the magical time. Everyone’s looking around, scanning the room, wondering which door she’ll come in. Ten minutes past seven one of the Borders employees announces that she’s on her way up and the excitement grows in the room. Jen walks into the room and you’d think Hannah Montana had just walked into an elementary school. Everyone is on their feet cheering and crowding the aisle and I can see nothing. I move behind a short lady, and now I can kind of see the stage. Jen tells us a story about getting a pedicure in Portland where the woman was so rough she ended up with bruises on her legs. She reads a hilarious excerpt about her first encounter with lobster as a 9 year old. The audience is eating out of her hand. She opens up the floor for some Q&A and someone asks what she’s working on next. She tells us there are a couple of new books in the works. Someone asks if there’s a possibility of a movie or a TV show. She says “No, why, have you heard something?” Everyone laughs. There are a couple more questions then we’re it’s time for the autograph session.

The Borders employee in charge of wristbands instructs us to line up in order of color, yellow first, then purple, red, and green. Because there was no further direction, chaos erupts as people rush to try to line up before everyone else. The line quickly extends around the store. I end up by a couple of ladies decked out in some awesome eighties attire. Lisa is sporting some big eighties hair (courtesy of AquaNet), an off the shoulder sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off, and has pegged the legs of her jeans. Michelle is dressed more conservatively in two polo shirts with popped collars and a pair of Jordache jeans. We talk about how slowly the line is moving, about the lack of participation in the dress-up theme of the event, about the random order of the books. One aisle of books contains the categories marriage, divorce, and substance abuse, which amuses us for several minutes.

The whole time we’re standing in line I’m mulling over what to say when it’s finally my turn to meet Jen Lancaster. It needs to be something witty that stands out from what everyone else is saying. The line slowly creeps forward. Time crawls by. I’m next in line and I start to panic slightly. I hand my cell phone to the awesomely dressed assistant to take my picture, and as I walk up to Jen all thoughts leave my head. What witty comment comes out of my mouth?

“OMG you rock!” I almost cringe as the words come out of my mouth. “Thank you, that means so much,” comes Jen’s graceful reply. We pose perfectly and hold our smiles for an eternity as the assistant tries to take the picture with my phone. I walk around the table and show her what to click. Michelle and Lisa make fun of me for taking so much time. The four of us start talking about all the awesome eighties outfits we’ve seen as I awkwardly resume my crouching pose again. Jen then looks at me and asks if I was even born yet in the eighties. I say yes, then sheepishly admit that it was eighty-five. Jen, Michelle and Lisa all groan. Jen signs my book and my time is up. I thank her again and she shakes my hand and says, “Thank you for your eighties.”