Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Trust, Love, Friendship, Loss, Vulnerability

I don't trust easily. I don't trust completely, no matter how long I've known someone. Every slip of information, every shared detail is something I have analyzed and decided is acceptable to share. Unless I've been drinking; Drunk Kay has no qualms about sharing all of the things that sober me is much more guarded with. As a result there are a very tiny number of people I trust enough to drink around anymore.

There is specific information I am comfortable sharing on the interweb and more information that I am not. This blog exists in some weird sort of vacuum. I will share some of the most intimate thoughts that I won't even speak out loud, but I won't post a picture of myself. Pictures of me are not something I am comfortable sharing anywhere on the interweb. From time to time I will update my profile pictures, but I don't feel entirely secure having my picture anywhere online. Just because everyone else does it doesn't mean it's safe. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you ;) My close friends get emails or texts to update them, to let them know what I look like when I make a change or when I'm bored and want to make faces at them. My immediate family doesn't even know what my current hair color or style are. I should probably email them...

Admission: I am absolutely the worst at personal relationships. Friends, family, associates. I adore people, I treasure personal connections. I have a habit of retreating into my head and forgetting to check in with others. And then I lose track of time. I don't realize I haven't seen or talked to someone in a month, I can recall our last meeting like it was only a day or two ago. If I don't have some reason to see people regularly, the relationship starts to fade because I simply don't realize that I'm not checking in. Super-douchey, yes?

This is the technology age, there are many ways to keep in touch and remedy this line-of-sight problem. So I suppose here we are. I email. I Skype. I blog. I hate Facebook and try to avoid it as much as possible. It sucks all of the happy out of my soul. The most reliable way of getting in contact with me is email, and sometimes I just don't know what to say, so I don't. A line I read in a book by the Dalai Lama a million years ago said something about never needing to unsay that which has not been said. That is probably the most true statement I have ever read and one that runs through my head a lot lately. My own father emailed me 2 weeks ago and I haven't replied yet. I just don't know what to say to him.

For someone who has taken so many English classes, who decided upon English as a major, you'd think I'd have all the words, all the time. But I can't lie. And sometimes I can't or don't want to share the truth right now. And then there's really nothing left to say.

As soon as things get awkward, as soon as someone else makes me feel uncomfortable because of words I shared or some vulnerability I let them see, I let go of them a little bit. If someone else lets the drifting start to happen, I don't stop them. I don't like awkward. I don't like goodbye.

I will miss the shit out of you and I will never stop caring about you, but I think it's better to keep the memories of good than let it turn into bad. Today I actually wrote out a list of all the friendships I've let slip away. It wasn't a short list. It didn't feel good, but I really don't know any other way of functioning.

There are too many people I love, spread too far apart, and I am running myself into the ground. If you make the first move I promise I'll try my best to make a counter-move, but I have no first moves left in me. I am drained. I don't need you any less, if anything I need you more than ever, I just can't let anymore pieces of me go right now. I am plagued by crippling self-doubt. I need to get my cocky back. I've lost so much Kaylena, I need to find her. I don't even know the first place to look.

I have none of the answers and far too many questions.


Michelle said...

Oh lord...this post SPOKE to me. I do the same thing, and when it gets lonely, somehow I'm always surprised. Ugh. I hope we can figure it out...

Kay said...

"When it gets lonely, somehow I'm always surprised." Holy shit, you're inside my mind.