Kay's Blind Gayting (mis)Adventures: My List of Demands

Read the whole Blind Gayting series here. Scroll down to 8 February and work your way up.

I have amazing friends. These amazing friends give me advice, because that's what friends do. Here's a snippet of a conversation I had with M, discussing me reevaluating my life post-move (fair warning friendo's, I write down many of the things that you say because my brain is dysfunctional. If I don't go through the physical act of writing something out, it's probably not going to stick in my brain. Plus I like to be able to throw your words back at you):

M: And what do your new eyes see in me?
K: I see that you are a very dear friend with sometimes ridiculous advice.
M: Ridiculous advice?! Ha!
K: You told me to be a slore.
M: And you should be. But not with scary people.
K: Lol. Everyone's scary. I'm still considering it.
M: Be a picky slore!

There are several reasons that I don't think being a slore would work out for me. First, I'm not big on touching. I have a bubble. Once I've gotten to know someone and trust is established, the bubble disappears. But as a good child of the 80s, I was raised to believe in "Stranger Danger." I don't like people who crowd in to your space while talking to you, and I don't like people who feel that it is necessary to establish and maintain physical contact while talking to you. Second, I have a system to evaluate what percentage of their brain people use. If you're meeting someone online, spelling and grammar should probably not be overlooked. You're trying to convince someone that they should throw caution to the wind and do the no-pants-dance with you. Is it really not worth the seconds it takes to run your paragraph through a word editor of some sort? Use Google Chrome. Something that shows you an angry, squiggly red line when you fuck up.

And if that is too much for you, try this handy little chart. I'd really prefer someone with a sense of humor, but I suppose it's not a deal breaker.

That's it. Those are my requirements. And #1 doesn't even apply until I actually meet them face-to-face. I don't have height requirements. I don't have a preference regarding eye color, hair color, race, religion or politics. In fact, I don't even want to hear about their religion or politics are for at least the first month.

You would be shocked by how many people cannot pass #2. Or maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you know just how many stupid people there are on this planet, despite the widespread availability of dictionaries and apps and the big fat interweb full of spell-checking ability. I even crate the Grammar Nazi and refrain from letting the occasional mixing up of they're/there/their poke it like a stick to a caged bear. But when people cannot be bothered to take the extra half-second to type "you" instead of "u" and "are" instead of "r" I get all twitchy and start frothing at the mouth and I have to try very hard to hit "delete" instead of going off on a long-winded rant about how the public school system has obviously failed them. If you happen to be a person who texts using those characters in place of words, I give a first warning. If it happens a second time, I respond that I will not acknowledge the message unless they fix it with proper English. A third time and we won't be conversing via text anymore. I refuse to allow the advance of technology, something that is a wonderful tool, to result in the bastardization of the English language.


Recap: Respect the bubble. Know how to type. Don't push your religion/political agenda. Let the sloring begin.