Sunday, April 01, 2012

Oh Doodle, It'll Be Ok: You Should See My Scars

Scars are sexy. I firmly believe this and don't know that I've ever met anyone who doesn't agree.

But my scars? No.

I'll admit that I'm a biter. But you should never, ever bite someone's scars unless you know it's ok. Asking permission really is better than asking for forgiveness, people. And it's much less likely to slam the brakes on sexy-time and send people home alone.

Scars are both hidden and visible. For the most part, I prefer to keep mine hidden (then why am I airing them here to the interweb? Good question. Because Sharing is Caring?)

It's now 4 years later and my "track marks" are finally gone, unless you're determined and know where to look. I even had a lab tech tell me recently that I had good veins. I laughed at her. I still think she just got lucky, but anyone who can stick an IV in me on the first shot has to know something. I've had far too many visits to labs where it took seven tries before there was success to completely discredit her knowledge or skill.

I've had a classmate accuse me of having a Hickey on my neck, and then refuse to believe it was anything but, causing a rather embarrassing scene in front of the rest of the class. I can always tell when new people in my life are looking at my neck scar, curious but too polite or sober to ask about it yet. My favorite thing to do is make up stories about my scars. The neck slash is usually the result of a bar fight I was in "back in the day." You should see the other guy ;)

I haven't worn a low-cut shirt in years because of my port scars. Forget bathing suits. I'm sure they're far worse in my head than they are in reality, but the incision sites keloided when they healed and I'm not comfortable displaying them to just anyone. (Inner Voices once left me a voicemail where he made cheesy Port jokes the entire time and I will always love him for that.)

The reason I never wear shorts is split. First, I really am very allergic to the sun. I make jokes because it's something that is honestly funny to me, but exposure to the sun hurts like nobody's business. But the secondary reason is my knee scars. My divots. It looks like someone once played golf on my knee and did not follow proper etiquette and replace them. Bad knee golfer! This analogy amuses me greatly because when I had a cane (2 lovely years-because of my knees) we used to play golf in the office with it. Some of the handles make great putters. Being the resident cripple was a tough job, but damn we had some fun times.

I still occasionally (though thankfully less frequently) require the stability of a cane and it's not something I like to admit to needing. I even keep one in my vehicle at all times. Yes I own more than one cane. (This does not lessen my desire for a Cane Corso.) Don't stare like an asshole when you see someone under the age of 60 rocking a cane. Yes, you may call them House, a Pimp, or (much more rarely and depending exclusively on the person and the tone used) "Handicapped Whore-Bag." Please recognize that you're nowhere near the first one to think of the nickname.

I have a ridiculous level of self-confidence and cocky. I am rather in love with myself and don't try to deny my narcissism.

But sometimes all of that is bluff and bluster, a disguise to hide my scars behind, a shield to make sure no one can get close enough to peek underneath.

It's been almost 6 years now since all of my unhealthiness began and sometimes I really just want to pretend that I have a normal life. That I had a typical twenties experience. That what you see is what you get with me. And sometimes I can pretend very well. Until I meet new people. Or until the old people ask, in that concerned tone that doesn't let you lie to them, "How's everything going?"

Doodle takes Dad's scissors to her skin,
And when she does relief comes setting in.
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes,
She sings:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?

Fun Fact: No Doubt and Garbage are both rumored to be in studio right now. This isn't the first time over the years that I've heard such things though, so I wouldn't recommend holding your breath. If they decide to tour together again my fangirl heart might explode. If they were to bring Spinnerette (the Distillers' front-lady Brody Dalle's "new" project) along for the ride I would surely die on the spot. They are amazing live acts and to see them on one stage is something that should enjoyed as often as possible. Bring earplugs. Long live 2002!

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